I was always afraid of psychedelics, based solely on young man I vaguely knew when I was a child. He was the brother of friends of ours and he always seemed spaced out. The rumour around the village was that he had had a bad ‘trip’ on LSD and his mind was never the same. Of course, as an adult I realise this was most likely just a rumour and perhaps he had mental health issues I would not have been aware of. That said, it stayed with me all my life and I always said no whenever I was offered the opportunity to try ‘magic mushrooms’ or the like. Plus, I was never really interested in drugs, per se.
This all changed in July this year. My best friend had been given a gift of a ‘Truffle Ceremony’, a journey using psilocybin truffles (the mycelium of the so-called ‘Magic Mushroom’). When she told me about our mutual friend’s amazing experience, something in me said ‘Do It!’. It was partly because I have spent many years trying different methods to improve my own mental health (therapy, meditation, chanting, exercise etc etc) and felt I was ready to push it further. It was also partly because my best friend, who I have known for 30 years, was going for it and I trust her completely.
The Truffle Ceremony was in a small town in The Netherlands, called Oeffelt, and was run by a man called Jeff Flohr (more about Jeff later!), whose business is called InnerCave.nl. As it was normally run in Dutch, Jeff wanted to speak to me beforehand to make sure I was comfortable with it. Because I speak Swedish, I can understand a certain amount of Dutch so I was not too worried and I asked if he would translate anything I did not understand, which might be important. On the call, I felt immediately a connection with Jeff and this proved to be mutual when we finally met.
The way the whole day was organised was amazing. Jeff left nothing out, every detail was taken care of, from the forms we have to complete in advance, the instructions on how to prepare in the weeks beforehand; and then on the day itself.
We arrived on the hottest day of the year so far. About 34C. Way too hot for me (I like to be cool most of the time). We met the other participants and a lot of chat was had around the table, mostly in Dutch. We then went for a walk. It was a beautiful area but, to be honest, I could have done without the walk in the blazing sun. It ended up giving me a bit of a headache, which I mitigated somewhat with lots of electrolytes. When we got back to his house, where his ‘cave’ is ( a huge cellar all set up for the retreat), he smudged each of us with sage and then we were sent down the stairs into the Cave. Once everyone was settled on their mattresses (complete with cushions and a lovely fluffy blanket), we were each asked to share our intention for the retreat, light a candle and pick a card from a deck. I picked the card ‘Patience’, which was perfect for me.
We started with Somatic Breathing, with very intense music in the background. Jeff, and his assistant, Kathrin, guided up through the breathing exercise. It built and built, with the amazing music, and eventually all of us ended up crying at some point. For me, the tears were not about anything in particular, but a release of something. It is a very good preparation for the actual truffle journey. I felt somehow cleansed and ready.
Jeff explained clearly what we might expect and what might get in the way once we ate the truffles. He mentioned that it was easy to get distracted. As I had a headache, I asked him if this would cause a problem and he said it would mainly be a distraction. Once we ate the truffles, we lay back on the mattresses and covered our eyes with masks, the blankets were wrapped around us and we could just let it happen.
One of the things I found out later listening to Andrew Huberman’s podcast about Psilocybin is that the use of music during the journey is key to deepening the experience. Even in clinical trials music is used during the experiments. Also that covering the eyes is important because it means you do not get distracted by anything you might see while under the influence (this could be colours or things moving about, for example.)
Because I had never experienced anything like this before, I was not sure what to expect. I had heard from others and read accounts, where people talked about feeling like they were directly connected to the Universe, or to God. That was what I was hoping for. However, after an hour, Kathrin asked me if I needed some more of the truffles and I said yes, because I did not feel like I was experiencing much at all. I just felt sleepy. After taking the extra dose, things started to change and then I realised I was feeling just like I feel when I cannot sleep, which is often. I roll around the bed, trying to get comfortable, sighing and complaining in my head about not being able to sleep! The same was happening here. I was finding the music too loud, I could not get comfortable. Jeff spotted that I was struggling and came over to me, knelt beside me and asked me what was happening. I explained it to him and he said I need to relax into it and then as he was walking away he came back and said ‘Just let it go!’
I am good at taking instruction (LOL) and immediately obeyed and, from that point on, I started to relax. The music wasn’t annoying me anymore, in fact, now I was really getting into it and realising how powerful it was. Jeff is a former DJ so his playlist was phenomenal! It started off quieter and softer, and, as the journey progressed, it got more animated and stirring.
When you are on this journey you lose any sense of time. At some point, I don’t know when, Jeff came over to me again and we had the most extraordinary experience together. Jeff refers to it as ‘our moment’. He had noticed I was crying. I had not realised it was happening. He knelt beside me and reached out and asked me what was wrong. Consciously, I did not know but what came out of my mouth was ‘I just want someone to love me!’ Without hesitation, Jeff reached out to me and gathered me in a hug and said ‘ But, I love you!’ And it was utterly sincere. I remember whispering to him that I felt we had a deep soul connection and he replied. ‘Yes, I felt that when we first spoke’.
The comfort of that did something to me. From that moment, everything changed and has kept changing since I left the retreat.
Jeff came back a couple more times to check on me and his warmth and attention made such a huge difference. From that point on, I was able to totally let go and enjoy the rest of the journey. I had a great time ‘flying like a bird’ to a song I later found out was called Spirit Bird by Xavier Rudd.
Much later, maybe 5 hours after the start, I wandered up to the garden where everyone was sitting on the grass. Jeff asked us to share our experiences if we were comfortable and asked me to go first. I told what had happened but skipped over the bit about ‘our moment’. Then my friend said, ‘Hey you are leaving out the details!’ So I asked Jeff if he was OK with me telling it all. He was and so I told the whole story and both he and I had a good cry and hugged again.
Listening to everyone else was interesting too. Everyone had a different experience. Someone asked me afterwards what it was like and I said ‘Nothing like I expected, but everything I needed’.
Since that day, which I can honestly say was one of the best days of my life, I feel my heart has opened up. I have opened to the idea of a relationship with someone again, after 14 years being single, by choice. I realised I was too much in control of my feelings and that this was what was keeping me closed off. Not being able to relax at the beginning of the journey really showed how much I need to let go of control. I also realised how tired I am, as I yawned a lot during the whole experience. Since then, I feel that I have let go of a kind of tightness that I did not know I had. I feel more open, more happy, more relaxed. I feel a sense of joy thinking about the amazing connection Jeff and I had. What a wonderful person he is. When you meet someone who moves you that deeply, it makes you realise how much you need that kind of authentic connection. I would say, the main thing I got out of the experience was that I got to know myself better and therefore have a bigger need for authenticity in my own life and in the people around me.
I have also started micro-dosing, which has been a revelation too and will write another blog post about that. I plan to do another truffle ceremony in late November. Now that I know more what it is like and have loosened up, I think the next time will go much deeper. And, this time, I will be with some of my friends, so Jeff is going to do it in English for us!
This is what Jeff says about what a Truffle Ceremony can do for you:
Why a Truffle Ceremony?
- Let go of limiting beliefs and step into your power
- Discover your true self and embrace the greatness that exists within you
- Experience deep healing of old childhood issues
- Learn to feel more and think less
- Learn to listen to your inner compass
- Feel that everything is good at this moment
Reach out to me if you would like to know more!